dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize