You made me cry and you don't even care
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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