***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
