I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
