I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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