I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
