i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
