The maid of honor just puked.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
