we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
