My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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