i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
