just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
