that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
