my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
