so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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