the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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