I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize