im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
