I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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