Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
