I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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