i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize