quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
