I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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