cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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