Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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