I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
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