i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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