two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
