I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
