I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i think my mom watched the whole time
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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