I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
