a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize