I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
