Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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