Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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