I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
