Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize