swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
