she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize