i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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