You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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