You're my little dorito
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
