i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize