yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize