so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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