I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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