Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We left the knife in your bed.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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