Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
