sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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