he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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