the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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