put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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