just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Drake has all the answers
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
