i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
