It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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