doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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