My friends, they love my intelligence
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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