She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
