Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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