She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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