my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
