I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
