hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
